I've hit the boiling point.

Published on Sep 9, 2025, 10:35:00 PM GMT+10

Some of you may have noticed my recent statuses on my Discord. Recently, it hit a boiling point, to the point where I have left multiple communities that I used to be in.

I realised I need to talk about it somewhere, so I figured, why not the world. Might/might not be fitting for one of the final moments of myself ever.

So here we go.

So, what happened since the last update post?

Short answer: A lot. Started well but got worse at the tail end.

Long answer: So because the actual long answer would be way too long, this is just going to be “slightly longer short answer” I guess.

As mentioned above, the start went kinda well actually, and I felt better in my life. Things were great and I genuinely felt like everything was just great. Nothing could ever go wrong afterwards, right? :clueless:

Then, towards the end, everything just came crashing down. For personal reasons that I won’t go into, I became more depressive. And after a yelling match between myself and a parent, I became suicidal. Some of my IRL friends actually got super concerned that they had to call a counsellor for me. (you guys rock, i guess) But this didn’t really solve any issues and after the chat I had with the parent (which was recommended by the counsellor) it just felt worse afterwards.

Ok, and do you have any plans for remedying this situation?

No, unfortunately. This would require the help of a licensed therapist/psychologist. Which is totally accessible for me and not at all hard to get.

What ended up making you want to commit (not the code kind)?

A lot of it comes around to my autism. As you, the reader, may or may not know, people with neurological conditions, such as autism, think differently to normal people. At least for my end, I interpret words as they are, often without context, and my brain basically shuts down in areas where there’s a lot of surrounding noise. I also don’t like it when I get repeated instructions for no useful reason.

My parents, for reasons that escape me, decide to ignore all of the above. I can’t even tell if this is unintentional or willful ignorance anymore. Either way this has caused many clashes between them and myself, and it’s pushing me closer and closer to the edge. And as you can tell, I have fallen over that edge now.

What’s your current state right now?

Still depressed in life. Hardly can say much has changed for better or for worse.

Why did you leave some communities?

Simply put, I felt like the fact that I don’t meaningfully contribute to those communities means I really don’t belong there and I don’t want to pose myself to be there if I’m not meaningfully contributing or have ever contributed.

What are you doing these days to (try and) alleviate your thoughts?

I stream on Twitch sometimes. More like whenever I feel like it but :shrug:

I also still do programming, which kinda helps since it moves my headaches from my bad life to my bad code, though people who stalk my GitHub probably already know that.

Why did you not write everything that you promised you were going to last update?

I got way too busy with stuff. Also, I’m not a very good describer/explainer anyways, so that part’s been hard.

Have you sought advice from many people?

It’s more like I’ve been given advice against my will, but if that counts then yes.

What next?

I don’t know. We can only wait and see.